


The Power

by logsig



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/F, F/M, Implied or Off-stage Rape/Non-con, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-31
Updated: 2012-12-31
Packaged: 2017-11-23 02:07:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/616891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/logsig/pseuds/logsig
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brain Camp, as seen through Rahna's eyes.  Prequel to my other stories <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/346463">One Year Later</a> and <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/386352">Breathe</a>, among others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Power

Day 0

The ship carrying the new instructors has just docked, and since we have a few minutes till we have to go to class, everyone's hoping to catch a glimpse of them.  We're all doing the same kinds of things we usually do after lunch, except we’re out here in the lobby, trying to act like it's perfectly normal for a huge crowd to be loitering in view of the docking bay doors.  Kaidan and Goran are among the half-dozen lounging in a circle on the floor, playing cards.  Goran's scratching his ear.  Kaidan catches my eye, grins, and folds.  

Eric's got one of his toy catapults out, and is flinging what looks like uncooked beans at Clare, though he’s managed to avoid actually hitting her so far.  She’s giving him the look she always gives him when he’s doing something stupid, but it hasn’t reached the point where she feels compelled to take corrective action.  There's a giggle in my ear.  Ingrid, perched next to me on the arm of the sofa, nudges me conspiratorially.  She's convinced that those two are in love.  I’m no expert, but I think she might be right.

I hear Dr. Wessel talking, in that high-pitched voice he uses when he's lecturing and getting questions he can't answer.  All heads turn towards the door.  And now I can hear a group of people walking down the corridor.  Sounds like boots.  They make a lot more noise than the ratty old loafers that Dr. Wessel wears all the time.  

There he is, finally.  There's... seven of them.  _God._  They look so alike.  Those uniforms.  Is it weird that they're all the same height?

Dr. Wessel's trying to make us go away.  He doesn't like crowds in general, and crowds of kids particularly.  He's walking towards us, waving his hands in the air. 

"Like my great-grandma shooing chickens on her farm," Ingrid says, softly.  "He should know by now that doesn't work."

I nod.  Dr. Wessel's mumbling into his omnitool now, probably asking for help from some of the other staff.  I can't hear what he's saying, but he seems agitated.

Deprived of adult supervision, we stare at the turians.  They stare back at us.  But there's a difference.  On their side of the room, there's no shuffling, or whispering, or throat-clearing, or awkward glances.  They're just standing there: silent, impassive, perfectly still.  It's not fair to say this, but I don't think any of the current staff have that kind of—what is that?  Confidence, I guess.  Well, maybe Commander Smith.  But he's leaving too.

They look so professional.  So _polished_.  Even the hardcases they're carrying all match.  Black and silver, like the uniforms.  They're armed.  Every one of them has a pistol in a holster, and what looks like a knife, and God knows what besides.  And the talons, of course.  They're a lot larger than I remember from the vids.

Dr. Wessel's talking to the turians now.  He's saying that he'll take them to the staff quarters to get settled in, and he's sure they're eager to unwind after their long trip.  If they were human, they would be agreeing with him, maybe complaining a little about the cramped conditions on the ship, if only to be polite.  But they do no such thing.  The only response I see is that they shift position a little, to allow him to lead the way.  

"Man, what a letdown.  No welcome party or anything," Eric says.  "Do turians like parties?"

I don't know.  I've never met one before.  I don't think anyone in my family has, except old Aunt Hawwa, maybe, on one of her trips.  No, on second thought, I'm sure we would have heard about it if she had.  She'd probably disapprove of their heathen ways.

The turians are following Dr. Wessel towards the door at the far end of the lobby.  Before they get halfway there, they've fallen into two columns, as if out of habit.  They move easily, with long strides, showing none of the discomfort or uncertainty—or even curiosity—that I'd expect, for people arriving in a foreign place.  There's an air about them that I'm finding hard to reconcile with my ideas of _teachers_.  Like they're out on a mission in the jungles of a savage planet, rather than valued guests on this slowly-spinning monument to human ambition.  None of them look at us again.  Except for the one in front, who walks slightly ahead of the rest, beside Dr. Wessel.  His glance sweeps across me as they leave the room, and I feel a sudden, strange chill down my back.  

The door closes behind them.  We stand there, staring at it, until the chimes remind us that it's time for class. 

Kaidan's putting his cards back in their case as we walk up the stairs to the classrooms.  Without looking up, he asks me, "Have you talked to your brother lately?"

"Rasul?" I say.  "No, of course not.  I’m not a little girl anymore."  But I'm thinking, he's right.  I should talk to Sul.  

Hello, Sul.  

Hello, Rahna.  It's nice to hear from you.  Everything alright?

Yes, I’m fine.  But you're probably wondering why I'm talking to you again, after so many years.

The thought had crossed my mind.

Well.  Earlier today, Kaidan asked me, "Have you talked to your brother lately?"

He meant me?

Of course he meant you.  I've got no way to reach Iskandar, and I'm sure he wouldn't want to talk to me even if I could.  You remember the things he said when they first told Dad I should come to Brain Camp.

Yes, I remember.  But why would Kaidan ask about me?

Things are happening, Sul.  Or as Clare says so darkly, "Things are sure as hell gonna change round here."

I like Clare.  She gets right to the heart of things.

Yeah, she does.

But what made her say that?

We're getting new instructors.  They arrived today.

What about the ones you have?

They're going home.  They say Conatix hired some real biotics, and they can teach us a lot better than Dr. Wessel and his team can.  

Real biotics?

Yes, turian mercenaries.

That is a change.

I've never seen turians up close till now.  Have you, Sul?

No.

They don't have turians where you are?

No.  So Kaidan asked about me because things are changing?

He knows I used to talk to you when I first got here.  When everything was new and scary and I was missing home like crazy.  You helped me.  And it's kind of like it's starting over again, so…  You don't mind, do you?

Of course not.  What else are brothers for?

Thanks, Sul. 

You know, Rahna, a chapter of your life is closing, and a new one beginning.

God, you're right. 

What are you going to do to celebrate?

I don't know yet.  But I'll think of something.  Listen, I gotta get back to class.  Talk to you later.

Okay.

At dinner, I tell the others.   A chapter of our lives is closing, and we should celebrate those who played a part in it.   That's the tradition Dad taught us.  It’s the same reason he always sent gifts to the police and the port authority whenever he crashed his racing boats into things, or when his experimental fuel mixtures exploded and destroyed parts of the marina—which was getting to be several times a year, around the time I left home.  Even if they weren't exactly friends, he appreciated those people for being an important part of his life.  Just like Dr. Wessel and the others are to us.

Clare sits back in her chair and snorts.   Goran's looking skeptical.  

"Rahna, I think it's a great idea," Ingrid says.  "They must be feeling pretty lousy that they're being replaced.  Come on, guys.  We should totally do this."   

Kaidan smiles at me and says, "Okay."  

Clare rolls her eyes, but doesn't argue, so that’s settled.  We all go back to our rooms to think of things we could give as gifts.  As I look over my meager possessions, I curse myself for not remembering about this earlier, so we'd have more time to prepare.

But in the end, it doesn't turn out to be so difficult.  Goran gives Ms. Lee the chess set he made from an omnigel base inlaid with green and red ceramic mosaics.  It's his favorite, and the set they've played all their games on.  He asks if she would play one final time with him.  They sit down across a table in the lounge, start the clock, and have already forgotten we exist.  I think he'll miss her terribly.  She's by far the best player here, and there’ll be no one to challenge him when she’s gone.  

For old times' sake, Clare and Eric set off a fire alarm.  When Commander Smith arrives with the reset keys, gritting his teeth, they give him a copy of the art project they've been working on for the past six months: _99 Scenic Views of Jump Zero_.  It's a collection of stills taken from security cam footage, each showing some unusual beauty, like the warm orange glow of the trash compactor when the bay door is open and the sun hits it just right.  I watch the emotions warring on his face as he scrolls through the pictures—shock, followed by humor, and then, for a brief moment, affection.  He doesn't ask them how they got the footage.  I suppose he decided it doesn't matter, anymore.

We run into Kaidan coming out of the corridor leading to the medical researchers' offices.  Kaidan says he's given his set of hand-tied fishing flies to Dr. Ashworth.  Dr. Ashworth isn't one of the people the turians are replacing, but he is leaving on the same ship.  He's retiring to Florida to spend his days getting acquainted with the local largemouth bass population.  Eric makes a snide remark about the lack of fishing opportunities on Jump Zero, and asks Kaidan why he even brought the flies here to begin with.  Kaidan doesn't answer.  But Clare raps her knuckles on the top of Eric's head, and asks him why he brought his "precious collection of stupid toys".  Eric's hotly defending the usefulness of full-articulated action figures when Ingrid and I duck into Dr. Wessel's office.

We present him with him a mix of our favorite classical music, including the private recordings that the legendary zitherist Elijah Horowitz made with Ingrid's mother when she was a young percussionist.  Dr. Wessel looks uncertain when we point those tracks out to him.  He's probably not that interested in that sort of thing—I think he likes jazz—but he does seem very touched to be getting any kind of gift at all.  

I feel good about this—a little tradition from home, observed at the farthest edge of the system.  It's just a ritual, I know, but it makes people feel better.  I think it's one worth keeping up.

Day 1

Clare was right—everything is different.  That turian who was walking in front is the head instructor—Commander Vyrnnus.  He’s nothing at all like Dr. Wessel.  He bites off every word like he hates it and he seems angry all the time.   Maybe I’m just projecting my ideas of human body language on him.  It's probably different for turians.  But it makes me nervous just to be in the same room, even though he's doing nothing right now but reciting his service history.  None of it means anything to me.  Maybe this is how turians introduce themselves.

The other instructors don't say a word beyond their names and ranks.  They're all lower-ranked than he is, and they seem content to let him do most of the talking.  None of them show any interest in reciting their service histories.  They don't show any particular interest in us, either.  I can see the little physical differences that distinguish them now, but their expressions are still uniformly unfriendly.  They don't ask if we have any questions for them, and nobody attempts to ask any.  When they're done, Commander Vyrnnus makes us stand up, one by one, and say our names.  He stalks back and forth around the front of the room, glaring at whoever's speaking.  

When it's Kaidan's turn, Commander Vyrnnus stops pacing, raises an arm, and points a talon at him.  Then he says, very slowly, "I was at the helm of the dreadnought that killed your father."

A gasp ripples through the room.  Ingrid has her hand over her mouth.  I have my heart in mine.  We're sitting behind and to the left of Kaidan, and so I can see his fist clench, then unclench.  His chin rises a little, and he says, levelly, "My father was never in the war."

There's another gasp, about a half-tone higher than the first.  Commander Vyrnnus' eyes narrow.  He takes a step closer to Kaidan.  I’m frozen with apprehension.  But he turns away, resumes his pacing, and snaps, " _Next._ "

Kaidan sits down, and I breathe again.  But the unease doesn’t subside.  Kaidan's told me before about his parents, about their famous fishing trips, and how they retired to a place near Vancouver, so I know his father's still alive.  I don't understand why Commander Vyrnnus said what he did.  

Did he realize that what he said was hurtful?  And if he did, why would he want to hurt Kaidan?  Why would he even assume that Kaidan's father had been in the war, let alone been killed there?   Or was this something he would have said to any one of us at random?  Why?  _Why?_   It doesn't make any sense.

I want to talk to Sul so bad.  But class has only just started, and I don’t want to ask to be excused.  Commander Vyrnnus is saying they're going to assess our "level of ability".  He sneers when he says it, or at least that's what it looks like to me.  

He starts us on the tests.  I don't understand what I'm supposed to be doing on half of them, and the other half, I can't do.  None of us can accomplish what they're telling us to—some are things we've never even dreamed of, like pulling an object apart into atoms.  I've never heard of that, and haven't the faintest idea where to start.  Having to stand there, under those cold gazes, and say, "I don't know how," over and over again—it feels worse than one of those nightmares where you're supposed to be taking an exam but you haven't been to school the whole year and when you look at the questions, you can't even read them.  

He shouts a lot.  All the instructors do.  It seems like no matter what or how hard I try, I get yelled at.  But I can't do this any better.  It's not like I don't _want_ to.  I'm trying.  Why do they keep shouting?  I look around at the others, and it's not just me.  Clare has a thundercloud on her face, and Ingrid's eyes say she wishes the floor would open up and put an end to it all.  Eventually, Commander Vyrnnus just takes the few things we can do, and makes us do them over and over.  For a whole hour I'm pushing sand around in the sand-table, using all the strength I have to make those little movements, while he rages at anyone who falters.  Some of the youngest kids have started crying.  I’m hungry, and tired, and not so far from crying myself.  But the turians react to the crying with disgust, and even more shouting.  I don't want that.

We get out of class two hours late for lunch.  I'm starving, and by the looks on everyone else's faces, they are too.  Nobody says anything for the first half hour—we're too busy just trying to get food down.  I excuse myself when I'm done with my plate, and bolt for the restroom.  

Sul?

I'm here, Rahna.

Oh God, Sul.  I can't do this.

Tell me.

I'm scared, Sul. 

What is it?  

It's... it's Commander Vyrnnus.  

Ah.  One of the turians.

They're not like the old staff.

You expected that.

Yes, but—

Go on.

All these things he’s telling us to do—I can't.

You can.  You will.

How?

You’ll learn. That's what they're here for, to teach you.  And you’ve always been a quick learner.

But—

You're not alone, Rahna.

I know, but—

You have friends.  You have me.

Yes.

It might be hard.  But as long as we take care of each other, we'll be okay.  Just like Dad says.

Yes.  Yes, you're right.

Now tell me, is something else bothering you?

He's so...  so... _mean_ , Sul.  God, it sounds stupid when I say it.

Mean?

He yells.

He's ex-military, isn't he?

Yeah.

Well.

But, Sul.  All those horrible things he says.  _Racist_ things.  

Remember Uncle İhsan?  His hundred and twentieth birthday party?

But Uncle İhsan didn't mean it.  He didn't really hate anyone.  He was only saying those things for the look of it, because his old Guard buddies were there.

Yes.

You think it's like that with turians?

We were at war with them not so long ago, Rahna.

I know.

How are your friends doing?  

I don’t know.  I guess they feel like I do.  Scared, uncertain.  Demoralized.

You can do better than this, Rahna.

I don’t—

You have to be better than this.  For them, if nothing else.

Yes.  You’re right.

They all don't have brothers they can talk to, like you do.

I know.  I’m so lucky to have you, Sul.

Go help your friends, Rahna.  

I will.  I’m going.  Talk to you later.

Okay.

Back in the dining room, Ingrid's saying, "They all are.  And they hate us."

I sit down, and tell the others about Uncle İhsan.  

Clare says, "Rahna, I know you're incapable of thinking badly of any living soul, but Vyrnnus is not your uncle and there is no sweet cotton-candy center hidden under that vile exterior".

But if that's true, if he really has such a low opinion of humans, why would he even accept this position?  If he's a mercenary, that means he gets to choose what jobs to take.  Why not do something more fulfilling with his life, something that would make him happy?  No one enjoys being angry and mean all the time.  

When I say that, Clare shakes her head pityingly, as if giving up on my hopeless naiveté.  But Kaidan gives me the strangest look.  I don't have the courage to ask him what it means, but it makes me blush, and everyone laughs at that, which makes me blush even more.  

Laughing actually makes us all feel a bit better, and we’re starting to talk of other things, when Commander Vyrnnus appears in the dining room.  He orders us back to the classroom for the "second phase of testing".  Ingrid shoots me a look of despair.  

"We'll get through this," I say.  "Just don't let it get to you." 

"Yeah," Clare sighs.  "Don't give the fuckers the satisfaction."

Hey, Sul.

I see you made it through the day.

Yeah.  Barely.

How are you feeling?

Exhausted.  Shaky.  I hurt all over.  Keep getting cramps in my legs.

Drink lots of water.

Yes, Sul.  I did think of that.

Did you take any meds?

No.

Why not?  You need to be functional tomorrow.

Alright.  I will.

How's Ingrid doing?

Um.  I made her take some meds for the pain.

I'm glad you had that much sense.

She's already asleep.  You can probably hear her snoring.

You should be too.

Yeah.  Goodnight, Sul.

Night, sis.

 

Day 48

Ingrid lets out a sob of exhaustion, and steps back from the sand.  Vyrnnus moves with frightening speed round the end of the table.  His arm comes up and he hits her, a slap right across her face.  The sound fills the entire room.  

I don't even react for several seconds.  It doesn't seem real.  It's only when I see her crumple to her knees—her hand clutching at her cheek, blood welling from between her fingers—that my heart starts pounding, and I dive for the emergency medkit hanging on the wall.  It won't open at first, the hinges stiff from years of disuse.  But I get the gel dispenser out, and the cleaning pads, and I'm kneeling beside her, putting pressure on the wound, the other hand supporting the back of her head, and no one's preventing me from doing it, which I suppose I should be grateful for.  Ingrid's clutching at my arm, her eyes staring blindly, full of confusion and pain. She's breathing in short, rapid bursts.  Her hands are so cold.

When the bleeding stops, I clean the stains off her face and neck and hands as well as I can.  There's a pool of blood on her collar, running down the shoulder of her shirt, but there's nothing I can do about that.  And it occurs to me then that none of his talons hit her eye, which is incredibly lucky, though it probably doesn't feel that way right now.

Ingrid's blinking at me, her gaze coming back into focus.  I drop the bloodstained gauze and hug her.   Her breathing's slowing down.  That's good.

" _Enough._ "  A snarl, a sudden movement, making us both cower.  I clutch involuntarily at Ingrid, before I remember I'm supposed to be helping.  We both stare at Vyrnnus.  He raises an arm, points a talon, and spits at Ingrid, "Go snivel elsewhere."

Ingrid stumbles to her feet and flees.  I want to go with her, but I know he wasn't including me in that order.  There’s another half hour till class is supposed to end.

As soon as we're dismissed for dinner, I run to our room.  She's curled up in her bed, face pressed into the pillow, but not _sniveling_ , not crying at all, not making a sound.  I ask her if she wants to eat, but she doesn't reply.  There's nothing I can do but sit and hold her.  She clings to my arm again, holding it close to her cheek, until sleep begins to overtake her.  When her eyes close and her grip loosens, I tuck the blankets around her and slip back out of the room.  

Kaidan is in the corridor.  I don't know how long he's been waiting there.   He hands me two sandwiches wrapped in napkins.  I tiptoe back into the room to put the food on Ingrid's bedside table.  When she wakes up, she'll be hungry.

Back in the corridor, I thank Kaidan for the sandwiches.  In a low voice, he asks, "How is she?'

I say I think she'll be alright, that I don't think she'll have much of a scar from it.  A physical scar, anyway.  I don't say that last part out loud.  But he nods in response to the unsaid words.

He continues, "And you?"  

I start to say "I'm fine," but it seems ridiculous that he would be asking that, when nothing at all happened to me, and I start laughing instead.  I stop laughing when he puts his arm around me, and for a minute I just lay my head on his shoulder and close my eyes.

After a while I recover enough to ask him, "What about you?  Are you alright?"

He smiles, and says, "I'm good."

Is he?

No.  He's lost a lot of weight in the past few weeks.  I told you about the "shit list", right?

The list that Vyrnnus sends to the dining room with the names of students who aren't allowed to eat.

Yes.  

Who came up with that name for it, by the way?

Can't you guess?

Clare?

Yeah.

So Kaidan's been on the shit list a lot?

Way more than he deserves.  He gets more than his share of yelling too.

Has anyone else noticed?

Everyone has.  Even Eric.  Yesterday he called Kaidan the teacher's pet.

Irony from Eric?

He's not as stupid as he seems.

What did Kaidan say to that?

He told Eric that if he wanted more attention he should grow taller, and then the two of them got into a wrestling match.  

Who won?

Well, Eric's half Kaidan's size, but he fights dirty, so they were about even when Clare waded in and hauled them apart.  Oh, and she told Eric not to be jealous, and that it wasn't Kaidan's fault that he had pretty eyes.  It was so funny.  We were all rolling on the floor laughing.

It's nice that you can still find humor in this situation.

Yeah.

Do you think Kaidan's getting picked on because of what happened that first day?

I don't know.  It must be.  But it's so unfair.  And Kaidan acts like he doesn't care, but I know it affects him.  I can see him tense whenever Vyrnnus lines up one of his insults.

But he hasn't said anything like that to Vyrnnus since?

No.  And even if he did, that wouldn't justify the treatment he gets.  But—all the things Vyrnnus says—they don't _pile up_ for him, you know?  Stuff doesn't linger.  It hits him, and then it's over.  I'd like to be able to do that.

Do what?

To deal with things as they come, and not live in constant dread. 

You worry.

Yes, you know I do.

About what Vyrnnus might do to your friends?

Yes, of course—

Or to you.

Yes.

You'll be alright, Rahna.  Maybe you can't deal with things like Kaidan can, but you can deal with them in your own way, and it's a perfectly good way.

Running and crying to my twin brother?

Nothing wrong with that, in moderation.

Oh, Sul.

I’m here for you, Rahna.  Tell me what else is on your mind.

Well, the worst part—the worst part is, we're actually learning a lot.  In spite of everything, he's making us better.  

At what?

Everything.  Remember when I first got here, and Dr. Wessel interviewed me?  He asked me to make something fly through the air, and I told him I couldn't. 

You said you could make a sort of breeze that could push objects, if they were small enough, but as far as lifting things, there was nothing to hold on with.

Yes.  And he gave me that wrinkled-up, disapproving face that I'll always remember him by.  I never did get him to understand how any of it feels, either.  

Go on.

Well, today they gave us each a set of little weights, ranging from the size of a grain of sand to the size of—um, maybe a melon?  And Vyrnnus told us to try lifting them all in turn, though he was sure none of us would be able to get past the very smallest ones, given how "supremely pathetic" our efforts have been so far.  

And?

He watched us try, until it was abundantly clear that he was correct, and then he sneered and made comparisons between humans and some sort of animal, which when I looked it up later turned out to be a kind of saprophytic worm.  

Doesn't sound very helpful so far.

But then he led us through this series of what he called visualization exercises, which were— _bizarre_.  He said they would build a symbolic pathway to semiotic actualization of the field.  Or something like that.

Okay.

Yeah, it sounded like gibberish to me, too.  You should have seen the looks we gave each other.  But we did what he said, and after about half an hour of repeating these exercises, I started to realize it was somehow working, and I could think of reaching out and picking something up, just as I would with my hand, and believe it.

You could feel there actually was something to hold on with.

Yes!  All those years of not knowing how!  And then—half an hour, Sul!

I always said you could.

I know.  You always believed, even when I didn't.  I mean, I can’t lift much.  The best I could do today was the grape-sized weight, just for a second, and it took everything I had.  But it _is_ possible.  It's possible for humans to do this.  For me to do this.

Yes.

I keep telling myself that we don't have a lot of options in biotics training, and we ought to be grateful for the people they've been able to get us.  

But?

But then I think of Ingrid and all that blood, and the look on her face, and I wish Vyrnnus wasn't any good, so he would be sent away. 

Day 73

There's a commotion, a great deal of noise and shouting.  I check the time.  It's early, and people are still in bed.  Ingrid rubs her eyes and sits up, looking a question across the room at me.  I throw the blankets off.  We both get dressed as quick as we can, and head to the dining room.  When we get there, people are saying somebody tried to break into the secure area that only the staff have access to.  My heart sinks.  I look around.  Eric and Clare are missing.  

They don't make it to breakfast.  They don't show up when class starts, either, but halfway through, the door opens and the two of them walk in.  Clare's got a cut across her knuckles and Eric's lip is swollen.  They both look tired and dispirited.

Vyrnnus doesn't appear to notice anything at all out of the ordinary, and includes them into the class as if they've been here all along.  He does work them harder than usual, and his taunts may be a bit more cutting.  But if anything, he seems to be slightly amused at the whole incident.

At lunch, we find out that they were trying to get access to the comms equipment, in the hope of sending a message home to tell people everything that's going on here.  They didn't succeed.  Their old friend Commander Smith is gone, replaced by a new head of Operations who works out of a different part of the station.  We've never seen him around here, but security's tightened up a lot.  As soon as Eric disabled the first sensor, a bunch of guards showed up, and there was a struggle, followed by a long and frustrating interrogation.  Vyrnnus and his people weren't involved in any of this.  All the security personnel here are human.  

"The bastard doesn't even give a shit.  He doesn't care if people know what he's doing here," Eric says.  

Clare waves her spoon in the air, splattering little drops of sauce over the table.  "No, but the other fuckers do.  Our own, I mean."  She puts her spoon down, and looks around at us, apologetically.  "Shit.  I'm sorry, guys.  We may have made things a lot worse with that little escapade."

She's right, as usual.  After dinner, they announce a curfew, effective immediately.  An hour past the end of dinner, we're all supposed to be in our rooms with the doors closed.  No communication between rooms.  They're locking down all the networks so we can't even play games.   No network access means our omnitools don’t work for anything but checking the time.  I suppose they can't really stop us from simply talking to our roommates, but they've warned us against "excessive" levels of noise, whatever that means.  And any violation of the curfew is punishable by having "privileges withheld".   That's almost a joke.  The only privilege we have left right now is getting to eat at mealtimes. 

Guards are patrolling the corridors at night now, to enforce the curfew.  They change shift every six hours.  I can hear their footsteps in my dreams.

Day 133

01D3CF70-4003-4D10-B06F-B9CC68114026:   testing.  anyone, respond?

27E156B3-E186-458E-9509-A0A7CAD90E8B:   we hear you

CD59F333-1A35-4A99-B799-CCB7D801176B:   oh is this multicast?

27E156B3-E186-458E-9509-A0A7CAD90E8B:   technically it’s broadcast

CD59F333-1A35-4A99-B799-CCB7D801176B:   this is pretty cool

56C71F43-60AB-494F-B72A-7173A42DF7D5:   but we need better software, this interface blows

27E156B3-E186-458E-9509-A0A7CAD90E8B:   be grateful we even have this shit halfway fucking functional 

                                        with the fucking weakass crap we're calling a transport layer

01D3CF70-4003-4D10-B06F-B9CC68114026:   stop, we're not having that argument again

CD59F333-1A35-4A99-B799-CCB7D801176B:   besides, if you cut out the swear words you'd double the bandwidth

27E156B3-E186-458E-9509-A0A7CAD90E8B:   fuck you 

CD59F333-1A35-4A99-B799-CCB7D801176B:   just saying

[connection lost]

[connection reestablished]

56C71F43-60AB-494F-B72A-7173A42DF7D5:   what's with the thing going on and off?

27E156B3-E186-458E-9509-A0A7CAD90E8B:   i know, gotta work around a problem with signal coherence

                                        never mind, it's not like you would understand  

01D3CF70-4003-4D10-B06F-B9CC68114026:   so my mother used to make these almond pastries, right

C5C1EC37-5A41-411D-8129-C49132702669:   god i'm hungry

56C71F43-60AB-494F-B72A-7173A42DF7D5:   you know, we need a name for this 

01D3CF70-4003-4D10-B06F-B9CC68114026:   the filling would melt in your mouth, all sweet and buttery

C5C1EC37-5A41-411D-8129-C49132702669:   you're killing me

CD59F333-1A35-4A99-B799-CCB7D801176B:   a name?

56C71F43-60AB-494F-B72A-7173A42DF7D5:   yeah, a cool name...  you know, like Something-Net 

27E156B3-E186-458E-9509-A0A7CAD90E8B:   no names fucktard

56C71F43-60AB-494F-B72A-7173A42DF7D5:   why not?

27E156B3-E186-458E-9509-A0A7CAD90E8B:   cause you'll talk and some staff asshole will hear it

CD59F333-1A35-4A99-B799-CCB7D801176B:   she has a point

56C71F43-60AB-494F-B72A-7173A42DF7D5:   you're always on her side and i bet i know why

01D3CF70-4003-4D10-B06F-B9CC68114026:   guys, don't piss her off right now

C5C1EC37-5A41-411D-8129-C49132702669:   i thought we were talking about pastries?  

[connection lost]

[connection reestablished]

C5C1EC37-5A41-411D-8129-C49132702669:   wait a minute, that wasn't goran, was it?

01D3CF70-4003-4D10-B06F-B9CC68114026:   there are two of us in this room, remember

C5C1EC37-5A41-411D-8129-C49132702669:   that could get confusing

56C71F43-60AB-494F-B72A-7173A42DF7D5:   we need separate ports

CD59F333-1A35-4A99-B799-CCB7D801176B:   and private conversations

56C71F43-60AB-494F-B72A-7173A42DF7D5:   and a better client, this one blows

27E156B3-E186-458E-9509-A0A7CAD90E8B:   WORKING ON IT YOU FUCKERS

[connection terminated]

Day 134

We have a new network.  We access it using some parts taken from our omnitools and the comm modules off our datapads.  Goran says it relies on transient parasitics in the electrical grid.  He says it's practically undetectable when it's on, and since the parts are all stuff we have anyway, it doesn't leave suspicious equipment lying around when not in use.  He’s the architect of this system, and he’s brimming with proud optimism.  

We did a 'proof of concept' yesterday.  A trial run, between just a handful of rooms.  The system's not very reliable, yet, and Clare is swearing up a storm, but she seems to be enjoying herself, at the same time.  Eric says he's been into the service conduits and there are unused components in there that we could steal, as well, though we'll have to be very careful about that, with the new security.  We spent the time before curfew talking about it, spreading the word in small groups, so as not to arouse suspicion.  Not everyone has their own port yet, but we all will, eventually.  This is _amazing_.  The people here are amazing.

Now I understand what Kaidan and Goran and Clare and Eric were doing all those nights when they disappeared before curfew and nobody knew where they were.  People were saying they'd gone somewhere private to—well.  Have sex, or something.  I was almost starting to believe it.

Day 140

00:03:32   KaidanA:   hey

00:04:16   RahnaS:    hi!

00:04:19   KaidanA:   did i wake you?

00:04:24   RahnaS:    no, not at all

                      i still can't believe we have this thing running

00:04:36   KaidanA:   yeah, they did a great job getting it together

00:05:51   RahnaS:    they, huh.  i guess you had nothing to do with it

00:06:02   KaidanA:   the others did all the hard parts 

00:06:08   RahnaS:    right

00:06:12   KaidanA:   anyway, i just wanted to say happy birthday

[Idle time exceeded]

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[Disconnect aborted]

00:06:44   KaidanA:   rahna, you there?

00:07:02   RahnaS:    god, can you believe i forgot my own birthday?

00:07:07   KaidanA:   it's not that hard to believe

00:07:25   KaidanA:   i might have forgotten too if ingrid hadn't cornered me yesterday

00:07:29   KaidanA:   she said i'd better wish you happy birthday "first thing tomorrow", or else

00:07:32   RahnaS:    heh

00:07:36   RahnaS:    um

00:07:40   RahnaS:    exactly what else did she tell you?

00:07:45   KaidanA:   nothing 

00:07:51   RahnaS:    nothing?

00:07:55   KaidanA:   nothing i didn't already know

00:07:59   RahnaS:    god

00:08:03   KaidanA:   what?

00:08:12   RahnaS:    nothing

[Idle time exceeded]

[Disconnect in 15s]

[Disconnect aborted]

00:09:03   RahnaS:    that timeout thing is kind of annoying

00:09:10   KaidanA:   yeah

                      we have to transmit even during idle to estimate channel parameters 

                      to work around the signal coherence issues

                      and that increases the chance of being detected

                      clare argued for just keeping the connection alive 

                      she said people would bitch if we kept dropping out

                      in the end we compromised on this

00:09:22   RahnaS:    i think we can live with it

                      better to be safe

                      besides, even having this is great

                      we didn't have anything before

00:10:17   KaidanA:   rahna

                      you should know that this place would be a lot harder to put up with if not for you

                      i mean for everyone, not just for me

00:10:36   RahnaS:    thank you

                      that was a really sweet thing to say

00:10:51   KaidanA:   it's late, we should get some sleep

                      remember vyrnnus is doing time trials tomorrow

00:10:54   RahnaS:    there's no way i'd forget that

00:11:04   KaidanA:   goodnight

00:11:07   RahnaS:    night

Day 141

I just had the most amazing dream.  I was standing on the beach, and the waves were lapping at my bare feet.  I could feel the warm sand between my toes, and there was a breeze blowing, carrying a delicious smell.   Spices and roast meat and peppers and onions.  I heard a dog barking, and I saw dear Ayi running towards me in the surf with the smelly old tennis ball he used to play fetch with.

Then someone called my name, and I turned, and you were there, Sul, looking just like you did before you were too sick to go to school, in your football jersey and lucky green shorts.  And my friends were all there, too.  Goran was playing chess with Clare, and she was losing, but she didn't seem to mind, because she was secretly writing a VI to beat him.  Eric had built a sandcastle as tall as he was, and was constructing a trebuchet out of celery stalks and chicken wings to smash it with, and Ingrid was composing a symphony on reams of old-fashioned paper, chewing on the end of her pencil and humming to herself.  Kaidan was tending the grill, holding a pair of tongs like a baton.  His parents sitting under a big beach umbrella, sipping glasses of red wine.  Kaidan smiled at me and asked, "Are you hungry?"

He offered me a plate of food, but I didn't see what was on it, because I was smiling back at him.  Abruptly, Ingrid stood up, scattering her papers everywhere, and pointed out to sea.  Time slowed down, and it seemed to take forever for me to turn back around.  In the distance, far out over the water, there was an enormous black and silver ship approaching. 

There was a flare of light from the ship, and an explosion.  Sand went flying everywhere.  Eric screamed, "The bastards!"  And he began returning fire with his trebuchet.  Half of his sandcastle had been destroyed.  None of Eric's shots were hitting the ship.  Another explosion, and the castle was levelled.  Clare shouted, "Watch the arm!" but Eric didn't hear, and as he loaded the trebuchet for another shot, the arm broke, the chicken wings twisting apart with an awful sound.  A third explosion, this one bigger than the first two, and the beach umbrella flew into the air, tumbling end over end, finally splashing into the sea with a sizzling sound.  Kaidan's parents were lying on the sand, lifeless.

"Kaidan," I said.  And I pointed, but Kaidan was looking out to sea.  I turned again.  The ship was coming in to land.  It extended a ring of thin, flexible legs, and began to lower itself, like a squid flexing its tentacles.  "Kaidan," I said, urgently.  "Your parents are dead."

"No, they aren't," he said.  And they weren't, they were standing behind him, smiling, raising their glasses in a toast to each other, and beginning to dance to a slow song.

I looked back at the ship.  It had landed.  A hatch opened, extruding a flight of stairs, and two turians stepped out.  They stood to attention at either side of the hatch.  Then Commander Vyrnnus appeared in the doorway, and he was twice the size of the other turians.  He slowly raised an arm and pointed a talon at me.  But I didn't feel afraid.  I could feel my friends coming up to stand all around me.  

I heard Kaidan say, "Someone take this," and he gave the things he was holding to someone else.  "On three," he said.  "One.  Two."

As he said "three" I drew the field around me, and released it towards the ship with all my strength.  I didn't see what happened, because a second later, you stepped in front of me, blocking my view, and hugged me close.  Then I woke up.

It's the first pleasant dream I've had in a long time.  It's a good sign.  Maybe things are getting better now. 

Day 388

None of us got anything to eat at lunch, because our efforts in the morning weren't at all "satisfactory".  We're doing the weights again.  Vyrnnus says anyone who lets a weight drop before time is called will get no dinner either.  God.  I bite my lip so hard I taste blood.  Just hearing him say that made my weight start trembling.

There's a clatter.  Goran's weight is rolling on the floor.  The silence is suddenly thick with fear.  Goran stands up very straight and points a finger at Vyrnnus.  In a voice I've never heard from him before, he calls Vyrnnus a despot and a bully.  I gape at him.  It's surreal.  It's not like him at all.  Even back when we had the old staff who wouldn't shout at you or insult your parents, he hardly ever said anything in class.  

Vyrnnus' answer is a slow grin that bodes nothing good.  First he waits, savoring the looks on our faces.  Then in one motion he pulls up a field, tosses Goran straight up into the air, slams him bodily against the ceiling, and holds him there.  I bite back a scream.  I know then, I'm _certain_ that he's going to let Goran fall.  

Instead, he says, "Let's see how long your little friends can hold you up, shall we?"   

He looks around the classroom, making sure that every one of us is staring, horrified, at him.  All our weights have long since fallen.

"One.  Two.  _Three._ "

We try.  Oh God, we try.  But he falls with sickening speed, and the thump as he hits the floor is the worst sound I've ever heard.

I know I'm screaming but I can't hear myself.  Then someone's in front of me, blocking my view, and Kaidan is saying, "Someone take her," and then I wake up in my bed, and Ingrid's sitting next to me and holding my hand.  

The first thing she says is, "He's alive."

It takes me a few seconds to remember what she's talking about, and the horror hits me again, but she grips my hand hard and keeps repeating "He's alive."  I force myself to remember that he only fell a few meters and that it isn't at all the same as the cliff behind our house, and eventually I fight past the feeling and sit up.

She says he's been taken to the infirmary, he's going to be alright, and Kaidan's there with him.  She says she and Clare carried me to my bed, and I've been lying senseless for an hour.  Then she hands me a roll and a piece of meat that she saved from dinner, and says I can go see him after I've eaten.

I eat ravenously, feeling guilty all the while, then run to the infirmary.  

When I get to the door, I hear Kaidan's voice inside, saying, "Don't make yourself a target, Goran.  He won't tolerate any challenge to his authority." 

I can't make out Goran's reply.  Kaidan says, "Yeah, I'm not a good role model."

Goran says something else, and Kaidan's silent for a while.  Eventually, he answers, "You don’t know that.  Maybe you should’ve asked her." 

I go in.  Goran seems very pale.  He's sweaty and shaking.  The doctor's already gone for the night, but I read the chart she left behind.  A couple of bad fractures and a concussion, but as Ingrid said, he's going to be alright.

I take the hand that isn't in a brace, and try to think of something to say.

Goran looks up at me.  "First off, Rahna, it wasn't your fault.  I know you feel guilty, you always do, but the fact is, Vyrnnus is a bastard.  That's all there is to it."

There's a lump in my throat.  I squeeze his hand.  It's his right hand, and he's right-handed, so at least there's that.  

"Now you'll have a little free time to play chess," I say.  It's weak, but it's all I can come up with.  "Bet you wish Ms. Lee was still here."

He chuckles, but humorlessly.  "Yeah."  

"Me too," I say.  If Ms. Lee had never left, then it would mean that Vyrnnus was never here, and none of this would have happened.

When I say goodnight, Kaidan's still sitting there, leaning his head on his arm, with his eyes closed.  He looks like he has a headache, but he might just be tired.  He doesn't open his eyes and waves a hand in my direction as I leave.  He might be planning to stay there all night.

Before we go to bed, me and Ingrid listen to the Horowitz recordings again.  I've always thought that the Double Concerto for Zither and Tabla evoked beauty and hope and the timelessness of the human spirit.  I used to close my eyes and imagine myself in a little boat, drifting along the river of time, watching communities grow up through the eons from tiny villages of mud huts into gleaming cities with concert halls and spaceports.  It used to make me proud and happy.  But tonight, I don't feel anything at all.    

Oh, Sul.  If there's any truth to what Aunt Hawwa used to say about prayer, I hope you'll pray for us, brother.

Day 397

02:01:55   RahnaS:    k?  you awake?

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02:02:35   KaidanA:   yeah

02:02:43   RahnaS:    thought i heard something, it sounded like it came from your room

02:02:49   KaidanA:   like a scream?

02:02:56   RahnaS:    yes!

02:03:02   KaidanA:   that was goran having a nightmare

                      third time this week

02:03:10   RahnaS:    it was so loud

02:03:13   KaidanA:   yes

02:03:19   RahnaS:    is he alright?

02:03:26   KaidanA:   no

                      but i gave him some more of the meds that help him sleep

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02:04:09   RahnaS:    do you think he's still reliving the fall?

02:04:17   KaidanA:   why else would he wake up screaming?

02:04:29   RahnaS:    i don't know

02:04:35   KaidanA:   don't your nightmares revolve around that bastard vyrnnus?

02:04:38   RahnaS:    yes

                      well, mostly

02:04:43   KaidanA:   mostly?  what are the other things?

02:04:47   RahnaS:    my brother rasul

                      i mean, his fall

                      his death

                      i stopped having those dreams a long time ago

                      but after last week, they came back 

02:05:06   KaidanA:   that's still all vyrnnus

02:05:15   RahnaS:    yeah, i suppose

                      but they're not really about fear, it's more like guilt

                      and you don't have to tell me it doesn't make any sense

                      anyway, is there something i can do to help goran?

02:05:30   KaidanA:   i wish i knew what would help 

                      go back to sleep

02:05:40   RahnaS:    ok

Day 406

I’m worried about Goran, Sul.  

He hasn't recovered from the fall?

He's looking worse.  Maybe worse than he did even right after his fall.  At least he could sort of smile then.  I don't think he's getting much sleep, even with the meds.  He flinches at loud noises.  And—

And?

There's this constant tautness about him.  Like a string that's been tuned up too high.  Whenever I see him in class, he's got his teeth clenched, as if it's taking everything he's got just to hold himself together.  Even when we're not really doing anything.

How is he progressing in class?  

Not so good.  We try to deflect Vyrnnus' attention away from him.  So far it's been working, and he hasn’t had to miss any meals.   But his left hand trembles every time he pulls up a field.  And he hasn't wanted to play chess at all.  

Is there anyone he could play with?

Sure, lots.  I mean, he's much better than everyone, but he could still play for fun.  Even Clare offered yesterday, though she hates the game.  But he just shook his head and looked away.  He dragged himself to a corner of the lounge and sat down there as if he was a hundred and fifty years old.  

I suppose you've tried talking to him.

All of us have.  But he won't talk.  Won't open up.  Kaidan says he's locked that door and thrown away the access code.  He hardly says a word to us anymore.  I feel like we're losing him.

No one has any ideas?  

I talked to Kaidan about it tonight.  There was still half an hour before curfew, but Goran was already in bed.  Kaidan says he doesn't really sleep.  Just lies there and stares at the wall.  I said, "He was so energetic after the network went up.   So proud of what he’d done."  Remember?  I told you how he was talking about his family, and everything.  He talked my ear off about those almond pastries.  

Yes.  The pastries like the ones Mom used to make, only she did them with pine nuts.

Right.  Anyway, I said, "I'd never seen him so happy."  And Kaidan stared at his hands, and said, "Maybe too happy."

Hmm.  Does he think Goran's happiness was an act?

That's what I thought he meant too.  But he said no.

Then what did he mean?

It took me forever to get that out of him.  It was like he wished he'd never mentioned it.  But in the end he said, "Do you ever feel like... like you have to be careful about how happy you are, because if you step over that line, something will slap you down?  Like the universe will do something to put you back in your place?" 

That doesn't sound good.

No, it doesn't.  And it frightened me.

What did you say to that?

"You're not turning religious, are you?  Because there isn't really some malevolent force out there whose sole purpose is to make your life miserable."  And he laughed in a bitter kind of way, and said, "No, there's just Vyrnnus."

This is bad, Rahna.

I know.

What did you do?

When the buzzer for curfew sounded and we got up to leave, I grabbed his arm.  I said, "You’re not alone, Kaidan.  We'll get through this together."  

And?  

He squeezed my hand, and said, "Thank you."  We walked back to our rooms.  He was smiling when I closed the door.

So you helped him.

I don't know.  I guess.  I hope so.  And you know, Sul…

Yes?

He really does have beautiful eyes.  

 

Day 433

We have visitors.  A group of people from Conatix I've never seen before.  They're saying that we’re going to be getting implants.  They're like data ports that go in the brain, and you can plug amplifiers into them that make biotics more powerful.  

You don't find the idea very appealing.

No.  Just thinking of having my head cut open, and someone poking around inside—it feels _wrong_.  I never asked you how you felt about it.  

It was a little different for me.

I know.  They were trying to save your life, not improve your ability to knock people over from far away.  But were you afraid that they'd—I don't know— _break_ something?  That you'd become someone different?  

Most of all, I wanted the tumors out of me. 

I wish they would have got them all out of you.

Me too, Rahna.  

I wish I could have helped you more.

You kept me alive.  You brought me gifts, you made me laugh.  You gave me something to live for.

For a while.

For a while.  But anyway.  My surgery was nothing like getting an implant.

Yeah.

When are they going to do it?

They're going to consult with Vyrnnus.  Then whoever they pick to go first will be implanted next week.  Sort of a trial run.  They don't have enough for everyone yet.  But eventually we’ll all get them.

Alright.

I don’t want to, Sul.

You're scared.  But if it works, you'll get a lot better at everything.

Well—

And it's not like you have a choice.  

True.

Your friends need you to be strong, Rahna.

Yes.  You're right.  I should just stop whining.

You said it, I didn't.

Hey, Sul?

Yes, Rahna?

What's it like, where you are?

What do you mean?

Is it like Aunt Hawwa described it?  No pain or suffering?  No hunger or thirst?  No eezo, and no cancer?  Just—peace and light and joy?  

It's whatever you make it, Rahna.

Day 441

22:06:17   KaidanA:   hey

22:06:22   RahnaS:    you're back

22:06:25   KaidanA:   yeah, they said I could sleep in my own bed

22:06:29   RahnaS:    how are you feeling?

22:06:37   KaidanA:   kinda out of it still

                      it hurts a bit, the meds are wearing off

22:07:09   RahnaS:    did they give you more?

22:07:15   KaidanA:   yeah, they're here somewhere

                      gimme a sec

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22:08:32   KaidanA:   back

22:08:48   RahnaS:    have you looked in the mirror?

22:08:53   KaidanA:   yeah

                      it looks like a small hole in the back of my skull, basically

22:08:48   RahnaS:    god

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22:09:38   RahnaS:    did goran say anything when you got back?

22:09:43   KaidanA:   yes

                      he actually asked me if he could touch it

                      and i said ok, but be careful

                      but he didn’t touch it

                      just stared at it for a while

                      and then went back to bed

22:10:09   RahnaS:    well, it's good that he's talking, right?

22:10:17   KaidanA:   his is tomorrow morning

22:10:22   RahnaS:    i know

22:10:27   KaidanA:   anyway, i'm still alive, and i feel fine

                      so it’s survivable, at least

22:10:35   RahnaS:    i'm glad you're alright

                      thanks for letting me know

22:10:53   KaidanA:   gonna go to bed now

22:10:59   RahnaS:    yeah, get some rest

22:11:07   KaidanA:   night

Day 45 6

Vyrnnus has split us into those who have been implanted already, and those who haven't.  He and two of the assistant instructors are teaching the ones with implants.  The other four assistants are staying with the rest of us.  I was relieved to hear it.  Not that these four are at all _nice_ , but they're far from the worst, anda respite from Vyrnnus is wonderful.    

At lunch, there are two empty seats at our usual table.   Kaidan and Goran haven’t shown up.  None of the people in Vyrnnus' class have.

Eric says, "Shit list is long today."

Clare shrugs.  "This crap doesn't even fucking surprise me anymore."

"You think they'll make it out for dinner?"

"Who fucking knows."  She starts wrapping bread rolls in her napkin.  Eric cuts off a chunk of the meat on his plate, and passes it to her to put in with the bread.  Ingrid contributes, regretfully, a pile of fried reconstituted potatoes.   She loves those, for some reason none of us can understand.

I eat a little of my meal, and save the rest, not thinking much of it.  Just Vyrnnus, as usual.

When dinner comes around, Kaidan walks into the dining room, alone.

He sits down heavily and puts his head in his hands.  Despite not having had anything to eat since breakfast, he doesn't touch his food.  The rest of us look at each other.

Finally, I ask, "Is Goran still on the shit list?"

He doesn't answer, and there's no imaginable reason for him not to.  I feel panic rising.  

"Fuck."  Clare thumps a fist on the table.  "Spill it, Kaidan."

He leans back in his chair, not meeting any of our eyes.  Then, staring at the ceiling, he says, "Julie's dead.  Julie Chong, not Julie Sommers."  Before any of us have time to react, he goes on, "It was an accident."

"What?  What happened?"

"We were in the upper atrium.  Vyrnnus had us lifting crates in teams.  She... fell."  He flicks an eye at me.  "Over the rail, off the balcony.  She was—pushed."

Eric puts down his fork.  "Vyrnnus?"

Kaidan shakes his head.  "No.  I told you, it was an accident."

"Where's Goran?" I ask.  It comes out as a whisper.  

Kaidan lowers his head back down into his hands.  "He... lost it.  When she fell."

"What do you mean, he lost it?"  Eric again.

"He snapped."  There's pain in his voice.  "Vyrnnus had to—restrain him."

"What?"

Kaidan lets his hands fall.  "After he—pushed Julie, I grabbed his arm, because he was still pushing.  You could see the rails starting to bend.  He attacked me.  Not on purpose.  I mean, he didn't know it was me.  He was lashing out blindly, screaming like a madman.  Then he started pushing at everyone else.  We all ran for cover.  Most of his attacks went into the walls, or the ceiling.  Never stopped screaming the whole time.  It was chaos.  And then he started—"  

He closes his eyes.  "He started clawing at his face.  That's when the security people showed up.  Vyrnnus put him in stasis and told them to take him away."

I stand up.  "Where is he?"

Kaidan says, dully, "He's gone, Rahna."

"I want to see him."  I'm not really sure that I do, but I know that I have to.

"Probably in one of the cells in the security station."

I run, not thinking of what I'm going to do, just knowing I need to get there.  When I arrive, I have to take a moment to compose myself.  I try to remember what Dad always told us about how to talk to the police.  They don't want to let me see him.  But I'm firm, and polite, and persistent, and I use the same voice Dad does.  And eventually they let me look through the little window in his cell door.  

He's lying on the bed, staring up at the dim ceiling light.  His wrists and ankles are strapped to the bed, and I can see the angry red patches where he rubbed his skin raw trying to get free.  The pillow has fallen onto the floor, and the mattress is crooked, so he's lying partway on the bare frame.  He isn't struggling any more, though.  There are jagged cuts on his face, but they've been cleaned and dressed.  His eyes are open.  I call his name.  There's no sign of recognition.  

I turn to the officer who escorted me into the cell area.  "Did you sedate him?"

"No need," he says.  "Thrashed around a good bit when the stasis wore off, but then he ran out of juice.  Been all quiet for the past ten minutes or so."

"God.  He must be starving."

"The doc's already been.  Put in a feed tube.  See?  Beats the hell out of us having to try to shove something down his throat."  And as he pointed, I saw the thin white line disappearing into Goran's right arm.

"Can I go in?"

"I wouldn't recommend it, girl.  It ain't pretty."

I open my mouth to begin pleading, but he holds up his hands.  "I'll let you in, but I'm gonna lock the door behind you.  You yell when you want out."

I go in.  I don't know what I'm hoping for.  I guess—that I'll hold his hand, and he'll look at me, and the light will come into his eyes, and he'll say, "Rahna?  Where I am?  What happened?"  Just like in the vids.  And I’ll say, "You were sick for a while, but you're okay now, and it's all going to be fine."

It isn't like that.  I take his hand.  I think good, hopeful thoughts.  And I talk, but I don't think he hears me.  I don't think he sees me either, though his eyes look in my direction sometimes.  Now and again he moves around, twitching a leg or an arm, but they seem like random spasms.  I squeeze his hand, touch his cheek, call his name.  I talk about card games and chess and almond pastries and say things about comms protocols I know are completely wrong.  None of it gets any reaction.

I can't reach him.  There's... nothing there.

I stumble back to the door, yell for the officer, and he lets me out.  He doesn't say anything, but there's something like sympathy in his eyes as he steers me back down the long, silent corridor into the front office.  There, I smell hot coffee and people are talking about a hundred different things that have nothing to do with the unrecognizable husk in the cell behind me.  It's like returning to dry land from the depths of the ocean.

I walk out of the security station, feeling numb.  The first thing I see is Kaidan.  But they're all there, waiting for me.  I look around at everyone, wanting to say something, but instead I fall into Kaidan's arms, and start crying.  Huge gulping sobs that won't stop.  And it's as if I've opened the floodgates, because then I feel Ingrid's arms around me too, and her tears on my shoulder.  We all cry, then.  Just hold each other and cry.  Even Clare, I think.

Why couldn't I reach him, Sul?

Maybe no one could have. Not even you.

I keep thinking of the scratches on his face, and those eyes, staring into nothing.  

I'm sorry, Rahna.

It's so hard, Sul.  In some ways it's worse than it was losing you.  Aunt Hawwa used to say you were freed from earthly pain and went to a better place.  I could almost believe that, then.  

But not now? 

He's not in the same place you are.   

Day 484

03:02:19   RahnaS:    k?  

03:02:38   RahnaS:    kaidan?  you there?

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03:03:31   KaidanA:   yeah

03:03:36   RahnaS:    i heard something

                      footsteps in the corridor

                      it wasn't the guards

                      it sounded like... this is going to sound stupid, but it sounded like vyrnnus

03:04:20   KaidanA:   good ears

03:04:35   RahnaS:    no

                      you mean it was him?  i wasn't dreaming?

03:04:52   KaidanA:   it was him

03:04:59   RahnaS:    god

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03:05:41   RahnaS:    what do you think he was doing in the students' quarters?

03:05:48   KaidanA:   he was here

03:05:53   RahnaS:    yes, i know

03:05:57   KaidanA:   HE WAS HERE

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03:06:39   RahnaS:    you mean

                      in your room?

03:06:43   KaidanA:   yes

03:06:46   RahnaS:    why?

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03:07:29   RahnaS:    kaidan?

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03:08:12   RahnaS:    kaidan?

                      are you hurt?

                      i'm coming over there

03:08:21   KaidanA:   no 

                      don't

03:08:29   RahnaS:    i don't care about the guards and the stupid curfew

03:08:31   KaidanA:   no

                      please stay where you are

03:08:44   RahnaS:    kaidan, are you alright?

03:08:50   KaidanA:   not really

03:08:56   RahnaS:    i'm coming over

03:09:00   KaidanA:   NO

03:09:07   KaidanA:   just

                      talk to me

                      please

03:09:17   RahnaS:    oh god

03:09:20   KaidanA:   rahna

                      i need you to help me think about something else

03:09:28   RahnaS:    alright

03:09:32   KaidanA:   talk to me

                      just 

                      tell me a story 

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03:10:20   RahnaS:    when i was very little 

                      i used to run around the forest near our house

                      with my brother, rasul

                      this was before he got so sick

                      one day we found an egg on the ground under a tree

                      we figured it had fallen out of a nest

                      we climbed that tree, and looked, but we couldn't find it

                      climbed a bunch of other trees too, all around

                      but we couldn't find the nest

                      god, kaidan, this is stupid

03:10:58   KaidanA:   keep going, i’m listening

03:11:03   RahnaS:    ok

                      so we took the egg home

                      put it in a little tank, with a towel for padding and a heat lamp over it and a lid

                      we thought we could take care of the chick 

                      and bring it back to the forest when it was old enough

                      we waited and waited

                      but the egg never hatched

                      my mother said it was probably infertile, that it had never had a chick in it

                      and that's why it got pushed out of the nest

                      we were so disappointed

                      the next day, my biologist cousin came for a visit

                      we showed her the egg

                      she opened it up

                      and there was a chick inside

                      but it was dead

                      had been dead for days

                      it smelled awful

03:12:05   KaidanA:   that's the story?

03:12:08   RahnaS:    yes

03:12:14   KaidanA:   that was kinda depressing

03:12:19   RahnaS:    um

                      yeah, i'm sorry

                      i don't know why i picked that one

03:12:32   KaidanA:   it's ok

                      it did make me think of something else

                      so it's all good

03:12:47   RahnaS:    are you laughing at me?

03:12:51   KaidanA:   maybe a little

                      thanks, rahna

                      i'll let you get back to bed

03:13:01   RahnaS:    wait

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03:13:40   KaidanA:   yes?

03:13:48   RahnaS:    why was he in your room?

03:13:59   KaidanA:   why do you think

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03:14:50   KaidanA:   goodnight

03:15:12   RahnaS:    wait, kaidan

03:15:18   KaidanA:   i can't talk about it now

                      look

                      don't tell people about this, ok?

03:15:45   RahnaS:    alright

                      goodnight

Day 485

I lay awake for hours last night.  Thinking about Kaidan.  Imagining what he must be feeling.  When I finally fell asleep, I had nightmares.  About Vyrnnus, and you, Sul.  Even about that chick in the egg.  Thank God for Ingrid.  I woke up so many times, paralyzed by fear.  Each time I'd see her sleeping form on the other side of the room, and I’d remind myself I wasn’t alone.  That gave me the courage to try to go to sleep again.

Kaidan showed up at breakfast with a black eye, and his sleeves were rolled all the way down, covering his arms.  He was walking carefully, like it hurt him to move.  Eric took one look at his face, and opened his mouth to ask the obvious question, but Clare was faster.  

"Sorry about the eye, Kaidan.   Maybe next time you'll think twice about pissing me off," she said.

Eric looked confused at that, and perhaps even a little hurt, but he shut up.

Kaidan shot Clare a half-smile, and said, "I'll pay you back for that with interest."

I was nervous all day, filled with nameless misgivings about what was going on in Vyrnnus' class, and barely able to keep up appearances in my own.  But nothing happened, there were no alarms.  All was calm.  It seemed incredible that people were acting like everything was normal.

After dinner, I asked Ingrid about Kaidan, and whether she thought he was okay.  She frowned, and said she'd go ask some people in Vyrnnus' class what they thought.  She came back a half hour later, and reported that according to her "sources", his field integrity was really improving, he'd taken really well to the implant, and he was getting a lot stronger.  She said Vyrnnus had been vicious several times today, but Kaidan hadn't reacted.  "Not that he ever does, really," she said.  "But the insults seemed to bother him less than usual."

I asked her why she thought that might be.  

She shrugged.  Then she grinned, and said, "Maybe because he's got Clare?  They do say love is a shield.  And Clare only roughs up people she likes."

I sighed.  "Do you really believe there's something going on there?"

Ingrid looked contrite.  "No.  I know he likes you.  I was just teasing.  Don't take it seriously."  She thought about it a little more, and laughed.  "Besides, you know Clare and Eric were made for each other."

I went to look for Kaidan.  He was playing chess with Ali, one of Goran's vanquished opponents.  I've never seen Kaidan play before, not even with Goran.  It seemed like he wasn't playing to win, but only to have something to do.  When the game ended with Ali clasping both his hands over his head in a gesture of victory, I touched Kaidan on the shoulder.

"Do you want to talk?"

He looked away, and I thought he was going to say no, but after a while, he nodded.  We went to his room.  I tried not to look at the space where Goran's things used to be.  I wasn't sure what to ask, how to begin, but I didn't have to.

"I was asleep," Kaidan said.  He spoke slowly, looking down at the floor.  "The door opened, and I woke up, but he hit me before I could do anything."  He pointed at his eye.  "I fought.  But—"   

I took his hand.  "He's so much better at this than any of us, Kaidan.  None of us can do all the things he told us to do on that first day, even now.  An experienced biotic—"

"No." He shook his head.  "He didn't need biotics.  All he had to do was stop me using mine.  And then—it was just—"  

He closed his eyes, and I could see his jaw tighten.  I squeezed his hand.

"He's a lot stronger than me, physically," he said, quietly.  "Nothing I did—"  

He opened his eyes, and looked down again.  "He laughed."

I bit my lip.  He was so _calm_.  I felt like I needed to say something, because it was horrible, this thing that had happened, but I was afraid that anything I said would be wrong.  That it would disturb that unnatural composure, and something would happen that I knew how to handle even less.

"How are your injuries?" I asked.  That seemed safe.

"I'm okay.  I stole some meds from the infirmary back when Goran was there.  Figured they might come in useful someday."  He sighed.  "And I thought that things were going bad then."  

I leaned close and kissed him.  I don't remember deciding to do it.  It just happened, and I think I was as surprised as he was.  He recovered quickly, though, and I felt his hand resting gently on the side of my neck, sending shivers down my back.  For a long moment my entire world was the warmth of his skin, and his lips on mine.  

My first real kiss, Sul.

I could hear Clare's voice in my head, saying, "Shit, you guys, that is so fucked up."  Maybe Kaidan could hear it too, because he pulled away, and said, "You should go."

I stood up, shakily.  My heart was still pounding when I got back to my room.

What’s wrong with me?  I should be trying to help him, not doing—whatever I’m doing.

Day 523

03:32:11   RahnaS:    kaidan?

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03:33:39   KaidanA:   i'm here

03:33:43   RahnaS:    i heard you yelling

03:34:50   KaidanA:   yeah, probably

03:34:56   RahnaS:    did he hurt you?

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03:35:41   RahnaS:    i mean, more than usual?

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03:36:36   KaidanA:   it's always different

03:36:47   KaidanA:   one sec

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03:37:35   KaidanA:   back

03:37:40   RahnaS:    where'd you go?

03:37:44   KaidanA:   needed to open another gel pack

03:37:51   RahnaS:    oh kaidan

                      maybe you shouldn't fight back

03:38:01   KaidanA:   tried that

                      makes him angry

                      angrier

03:38:14   RahnaS:    god

                      how can you be so calm?

03:38:28   KaidanA:   it's either that or fall apart

03:38:35   RahnaS:    you make it sound like it's a choice

03:38:44   KaidanA:   you don't understand

                      if i lose it, i'll die

03:38:55   RahnaS:    what do you mean?

03:39:10   KaidanA:   he can kill me anytime he feels like it

                      he's made that very clear

                      there's only one way i'm surviving this

03:39:27   RahnaS:    which is?  

03:39:33   KaidanA:   give him what he wants

                      in the way he wants it

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03:40:11   RahnaS:    kaidan

                      what does he do to you?

03:40:20   KaidanA:   you don't want to know

03:40:26   RahnaS:    i do

03:40:32   KaidanA:   then i don't want to tell you

03:40:41   RahnaS:    alright

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03:41:12   RahnaS:    what's going to happen when you run out of med supplies?

03:41:18   KaidanA:   hah

03:41:23   RahnaS:    what?

03:41:27   KaidanA:   the doctor restocks the supply closet in the infirmary

03:41:33   RahnaS:    won't she notice if things go missing?

03:41:36   KaidanA:   yes

                      i left her a note on one of my visits to say i'd be taking things

03:41:46   RahnaS:    what?  one of your visits?  when were you last there?

03:41:50   KaidanA:   beginning of this week

03:41:57   RahnaS:    but how do you keep going there and not have anyone notice?

03:42:05   KaidanA:   go after curfew

03:42:11   RahnaS:    oh

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03:42:53   RahnaS:    how do you do that?

03:43:01   KaidanA:   the guards pretend not to see me

                      just like they pretend not to see him

03:43:11   RahnaS:    my god

                      really?

03:43:18   KaidanA:   yes

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03:44:01   RahnaS:    this is insane

03:44:08   RahnaS:    you know, my aunt used to tell us about mythologies of different cultures

                      in one of them, hell was a place where nothing made sense

03:44:19   KaidanA:   no, it makes perfect sense

                      if you accept that vyrnnus is god

                      then all the rest of this fucked up shit just follows

03:44:47   RahnaS:    have you told anyone else?

03:44:51   KaidanA:   clare knows

                      you were there, she knew the second she saw me

                      and probably everyone else within hearing range of this room, by now

03:45:10   RahnaS:    i don't think ingrid knows

                      she's a very sound sleeper

03:45:18   KaidanA:   you didn't tell her?

03:45:21   RahnaS:    no

                      you told me not to tell people

                      remember?

03:45:35   KaidanA:   yes

                      just didn't expect you to include her in that category

03:45:44   RahnaS:    of people?

03:45:51   KaidanA:   never mind

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03:47:03   RahnaS:    is there anything i can do?

03:47:10   KaidanA:   just stay under his radar

03:47:15   RahnaS:    ok

03:47:21   KaidanA:   going to try to sleep

                      you should too

03:46:28   RahnaS:    yeah

Day  659

The people from Conatix are back.  They brought enough implants this time for the rest of us.  I got mine this morning.  I thought I would be a lot more nervous about it than I was.  If I think about it, or feel the tender spot on the back of my head, it makes me feel queasy.  But otherwise it doesn't really bother me.  I admit I was curious about what it would do, so I tried a tiny field this afternoon, even though they told me it would take a while to integrate and for me to learn how to really use it.

Maybe I'm just imagining it, but it does seem a lot easier.  It's hard to describe.  It's as if... things _line up_ more.  It's like the difference between sledding down a grassy hill, and going down the water slide in an amusement park.  I said this to Ingrid, while we were talking before bed, and she nodded.

"That's exactly what it's like," she said.  "Like you can do a lot more with it.  But you have to be so much more careful too, because it's flowing stronger.  You know, _with great power_ and all that."

I could feel it.  It felt...  dangerous.

"And don't wear yourself out.  All that energy still has to come from somewhere.  I've only had it for two days, but I feel way more hungry than I used to.  I could use something to eat right now."  She rifled through our music collection.  "Want to listen to something?  How about that coda in the Brahms violin concerto?"

I said, "Sure," and she put Itzhak Perlman on.  I stopped playing with the field and let my mind wander.

After a few minutes, she said, "You don't seem to be in the mood for music."

"Sorry," I said.  "Just something on my mind."

She gave me a look, and said, slyly, "Kaidan?"

I jumped, because of course she was right.

She grinned.  "So how's that going?  I know you two talk all the time.  But has it gone past that?"

"No," I said, though I was thinking of the time I kissed him.

"Why not?  He's not shy, is he?"

I shook my head.  "It's not like that.  I mean, I like him, but—"

"So then there's nothing between you?"

"We're not an _item_ , if that's what you mean."

She smiled, got up and came over to sit next to me on my bed.  "Do you wish you were?"

"I don't know.  It's not that simple."

"It _is_ that simple.  If there's no one else in the way."

I looked at her.  "What are you talking about?"

"There's really nothing between you?"

"No."

That's when she kissed me.

And I, like a perfect fool, recoiled.  I stopped myself, but the damage was done.  She put a brave face on it, and tried to laugh it off, but it was obvious I'd hurt her, and no amount of taking her hand and explaining myself could make it better. 

How could I not have seen this?  I'm questioning whether I really understand anything at all.  

Day 67 8

It's happening again, Sul.  The same thing that happened to Goran is happening to Ingrid.  She's getting so thin.  She lies awake at night, and there are dark circles under her eyes.  She's making more and more mistakes in class, now, too many for the rest of us to cover up.  

And Vyrnnus seems worse than ever, somehow.  After having been free of him for so many months, I'd forgotten how much he scares me.  I thought I'd gotten used to it.  But I haven't.  Maybe it would have been better to never have had a break from him.  Maybe that break caused me to lose whatever immunity I'd built up before.  Or maybe he really is just worse.  It's the way he stares.  It was hostile before, but there's more meaning in it now.  It's more personal, more threatening.  He stares at Ingrid, and she wilts under that gaze, as if expecting the back of his hand at any moment.  I would too, in her place.  

Kaidan asked me today what was going on with Ingrid.  She hardly talks to any of us anymore, and to me least of all.  I don't know what to tell him.  I think, on top of everything, the implant is getting to her.  The _power_.  Or the fear of the power, rather.  I have it too, the nagging feeling that I could burn my mind out if I lose concentration for a second.  It's so draining, to have to worry about that all the time.  I can do so much more with it, but it hurts.  It gives me nose bleeds, and sometimes I get dizzy and nauseous.

Ingrid was right about the hunger, too.  We get extra portions now, but it isn't enough, not the way Vyrnnus works us.  If you'd told me a year ago that I could eat this much food and still be getting thinner, I'd have laughed.  I thought I knew what exhaustion was, before.  I used to complain about being tired.  Now I fall into bed as soon as the buzzer for curfew goes each night, and sleep straight through till morning.  

So I haven't been woken up by heavy footsteps lately.  Not because they've stopped.  I can always tell when Vyrnnus has been around.  Kaidan can't hide all his bruises.  It’s so obvious even Eric knows now.  But no one says anything.  It reminds me of when you were in the last stages of your illness, and everyone knew you were going to die, and we had somehow made peace with that.

Yesterday Clare said, "It's fucking amazing what passes for normal in this hell hole."  Says it all, really.

Day 705

They took Ingrid away today.

Rahna—

It wasn't like Goran.  She didn't go crazy and attack us all and claw at her face.  There was just a single strangled cry, like a bird, and she fell to the floor.

Did you—

The empty eyes, that was the same.  Exactly the same.

Rahna.  Did you try to help her?

I couldn’t reach her, Sul.  

I see.

What’s wrong with me?  Why can’t I help my friends?

Maybe no one can.  Or maybe it's just you.

I thought you believed in me, Sul.

What I believe doesn’t help your friends.

That's true. 

Do your friends believe in you?

What?

Did Ingrid believe in you?

What are you saying?

You couldn’t help Ingrid—

Because I didn’t love her enough.

She was your best friend.  And she loved you.

But I pushed her away.

That’s why you couldn’t help her.

Yes.  I see it now.  I gave up the right.

What about Goran?  Was that the same?

No, we were just friends.

Are you sure?

Yes.  No.

Was there ever anything—

I don't know.  

You remember something.

Yes.  Maybe.  He stood up—and then afterwards—in the infirmary—

You didn’t love him either.

I couldn’t—I never—

Why don't you love your friends, Rahna?

No, it’s not like that—

Who’s next, Rahna?

No.  No, Sul please—

If you don’t want to lose them all—

No.  No.

—you're going to have to fix this.

I can't.

It's not just your friends.  What happened after they took Goran away?

Oh God no.

Fix this.

I don't know how.

Learn.  You're a quick learner, Rahna.

Day 706

22:02:34   KaidanA:   you there?

22:02:49   RahnaS:    yes

22:02:54   KaidanA:   how are you feeling?

22:02:59   RahnaS:    i’m alright

22:03:03   KaidanA:   really

22:03:09   RahnaS:    no

22:03:13   KaidanA:   want to talk?

22:03:19   RahnaS:    god, kaidan

22:03:25   RahnaS:    i feel so

                      i don't know

22:03:37   KaidanA:   shitty?

22:03:42   RahnaS:    yeah

22:03:47   KaidanA:   none of this is your fault, rahna

                      it's all vyrnnus

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22:04:48   RahnaS:    kaidan

22:04:57   KaidanA:   yes?

22:05:19   RahnaS:    i'm scared

22:05:23   KaidanA:   i know

                      i wish i could tell you everything's gonna be ok

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22:06:03   RahnaS:    kaidan

                      do you think you could do something?

22:06:17   KaidanA:   sure, what?

22:06:26   RahnaS:    i mean about vyrnnus

22:06:33   KaidanA:   ?

22:06:49   RahnaS:    could you maybe speak to him?

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22:07:37   RahnaS:    kaidan?

22:07:50   KaidanA:   we're not really on speaking terms, rahna

22:07:59   RahnaS:    well, you have this relationship, right

22:08:05   KaidanA:   is that what you call it?

22:08:12   RahnaS:    no, i mean, i know it's not a nice relationship

                      but

                      i was thinking you might have some influence with him

22:08:27   KaidanA:   influence

22:08:34   RahnaS:    i'm saying this all wrong

22:08:38   KaidanA:   say what you mean

22:08:49   RahnaS:    maybe if you took a stand he'd listen to you

22:08:54   KaidanA:   why would he do that

22:09:03   RahnaS:    i don't know

                      maybe he won't

                      but if you could try, for me

                      i mean for us

                      the rest of us

                      you're the only one that has any chance

22:09:18   KaidanA:   because i have this privileged relationship with him

22:10:23   RahnaS:    oh god

                      just forget i said anything, okay?

22:10:44   KaidanA:   it's getting late

                      goodnight

Day 722

Sul, he's dead.  Vyrnnus is dead.  God, help me, Sul.

Sul?

Sul, where are you?

I need you, Sul.

Sul, I'm sorry.  Please talk to me.

Don’t leave me please God don't leave me.

23:30:15   KaidanA:   rahna, you awake?

23:30:41   RahnaS:    yes

23:20:47   KaidanA:   how's your arm?

23:20:54   RahnaS:    it's fine

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23:21:49   RahnaS:    kaidan

23:21:53   KaidanA:   yeah

23:21:57   RahnaS:    do you regret it?

23:22:04   KaidanA:   no

                      i'll pay for what i did

                      but i don't regret it

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23:23:09   RahnaS:    why'd you do it?

23:23:37   KaidanA:   are you serious?

23:23:41   RahnaS:    were you just trying to protect me?

23:23:47   KaidanA:   is that not enough of a reason?

23:23:52   RahnaS:    but was there another reason?

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23:24:37   KaidanA:   maybe

23:24:45   RahnaS:    oh god

                      then it is all my fault

                      because i asked you to stand up to him

                      all that stuff i said about doing it for us

                      and you having a relationship with him

23:25:03   KaidanA:   no

23:25:08   RahnaS:    no?  so that never once crossed your mind?

                      you never thought i could be right?

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23:25:46   RahnaS:    yeah, i thought so

23:25:57   KaidanA:   look, not everything's about you, rahna

                      at first, when he was hurting you, it was

                      but after that

                      i was just 

23:26:11   RahnaS:    just?

23:25:16   KaidanA:   reacting to what he was saying

                      doing

23:26:21   RahnaS:    yeah

                      i'd have been scared too, when i saw the knife

23:26:32   KaidanA:   the knife was it

23:26:42   RahnaS:    was what?

23:26:45   KaidanA:   nothing, never mind

23:26:55   RahnaS:    but he wouldn't really have hurt you with it

23:26:59   KaidanA:   he did

23:27:10   RahnaS:    he did?

                      i didn't see that

                      i mean, i saw him hit you with his fists, and kick you

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23:27:47   KaidanA:   what are you trying to say?

23:27:53   RahnaS:    you didn't have to kill him

23:27:58   RahnaS:    not for me

                      or us

                      not for any of us

23:28:09   KaidanA:   you're right about that

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23:28:46   RahnaS:    you really don't regret anything?

23:28:50   KaidanA:   no

23:28:59   RahnaS:    i do

                      i regret so many things

Day 851

Kaidan,

So this is it.  They're finally shutting down Brain Camp.  You were my family, Clare and Eric and Ingrid and Goran and you.  We went through hell together.  Some of us even made it out.  We'll go back to real life now, and probably never see each other again.  I think I'll miss you.  But maybe it's for the best, after everything that's happened.  

Back when the turians first arrived, you asked me if I'd talked to my brother lately.  And I said I wasn't a little girl anymore, but I was lying.  All this time, I've been that little girl.  Scared, and lonely.  Always trying to help, and mostly failing.  Never really understanding.  I wanted people to love me, but I never realized what it meant when they did.  The... responsibility.

I've been thinking about the things I said to you.  You were right.   I kind of did believe there was something there, between Vyrnnus and you.  In some messed-up corner of my mind, I couldn't understand how there could not be.  I know it's wrong and stupid but... he came between us.  Between me and you.  Even when I was scared, at the end, that he'd come after me like he did to you, I felt that.  Or maybe it was me who came between the two of you.  I know it doesn't make any sense.  I'm not sure anyone could understand the kinds of things that go on in my head.  All I know is that you killed him because of me.  And you shouldn't have, but it was my fault.

Anyway.  Another chapter of our lives is closing, and so it's time for parting gifts again.  I want you to have this.  You might remember seeing it hanging on the wall in my room, next to the bed.  It’s a tasbih, a sort of rosary.  It's an antique, over three hundred years old.  It was given to me by my great-aunt.  She was a religious scholar, and a very devout woman.  We didn't agree about everything, but I know she loved me, and I loved her.  She left the tasbih to me in her will.  I never had much use for it, but it reminded me of her.  I don’t suppose you'll have a use for it either, but it’s the only real thing I can give you.

I’d wish you good luck, but somehow I doubt you believe in luck any more than you believe in regret.  So—goodbye.

Rahna

 

 

= END =

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to C and Smehur for the beta and helpful suggestions.


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